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The electable female candidate

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January 22, 2020

The electable female candidate

Source: The New Yorker

By Claire Friedman,

The electable female candidate reaches across the aisle with soft, moisturized hands. She knows how to fire a gun, but also has never held a gun, and doesn’t know what a gun is. She’s becoming a vegan, but stands behind Arby’s in its commitment to the Meats.

She would never eat her salad with a comb, because she knows that the only acceptable non-hair-related uses of a comb are scratching your back and playing it like a kazoo. She has never taken a DNA test, because she already knows that she’s a hundred per cent that bitch.

She has the charisma of a charlatan but the integrity of Charlie from “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.” She’s able to radically reshape society, but moderately. She was raised on a farm in the middle of Central Park.

Her paternal grandfather is Ronald Reagan. Her maternal grandfather is F.D.R. Her son is Keanu Reeves. Her other son got on the U.S.C. crew team by practicing. She went to Harvard, but hated it.

She has a diversified portfolio with a healthy annual yield of eighteen per cent, even though she invests only in companies that turn Styrofoam cups into schools in Africa. She plans to donate her estate to charity upon her demise, which doctors say won’t happen until at least 2039. She pays herself only ten per cent less than what she pays the men who work for her.

She promises to make a golden retriever her Veep. His name is Buddy, and he has only three legs, because he lost one in Nam. Buddy is socially liberal but fiscally conservative.

Click here to read the full article published by The New Yorker on 9 December 2020.

By Claire Friedman,

The electable female candidate reaches across the aisle with soft, moisturized hands. She knows how to fire a gun, but also has never held a gun, and doesn’t know what a gun is. She’s becoming a vegan, but stands behind Arby’s in its commitment to the Meats.

She would never eat her salad with a comb, because she knows that the only acceptable non-hair-related uses of a comb are scratching your back and playing it like a kazoo. She has never taken a DNA test, because she already knows that she’s a hundred per cent that bitch.

She has the charisma of a charlatan but the integrity of Charlie from “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.” She’s able to radically reshape society, but moderately. She was raised on a farm in the middle of Central Park.

Her paternal grandfather is Ronald Reagan. Her maternal grandfather is F.D.R. Her son is Keanu Reeves. Her other son got on the U.S.C. crew team by practicing. She went to Harvard, but hated it.

She has a diversified portfolio with a healthy annual yield of eighteen per cent, even though she invests only in companies that turn Styrofoam cups into schools in Africa. She plans to donate her estate to charity upon her demise, which doctors say won’t happen until at least 2039. She pays herself only ten per cent less than what she pays the men who work for her.

She promises to make a golden retriever her Veep. His name is Buddy, and he has only three legs, because he lost one in Nam. Buddy is socially liberal but fiscally conservative.

Click here to read the full article published by The New Yorker on 9 December 2020.